Brendan and Gemma

Brendan and Gemma

Wednesday, December 5, 2012

Chaos vs Serenity

So I thought I'd attempt this free write. Why? For one, I'm a great reader, but a wretched writer. For two, yesterday was Tuesday and I saw Heather's blog about trying this. Unedited, ...maybe I'll get through it and actually hit publish? I meant to do this yesterday; then I could just post it to her site and there it would be, out in the time to take it back.
I have kids, so what I wanted to do yesterday, I'm doing tonight while they're mostly in bed, except the 18 year old who is scurrying to finish her homework because grades are closing. I also have a daughter who will be 2 in 2 weeks, and a son who is 7 and acts like an 80 year old with ADHD. (I'm not sure if that happens, but if it did I'm sure it would look like Brendan.)
So, my title here is loosely based on my life...which usually feels chaotic. I have control issues, I know it's pointless and futile and harmful to my own sanity....but it doesn't make it go away. Now I'm reading a book by Pema Chodron about accepting uncertainty...I'm pretty sure she wrote it with me in mind. Trying to control the uncontrollable, looking for safety and predictability. LOL...even as I admit it I know how crazy it is. I'm going to try to recognize the moods, box them up and let them sit in the corner. More to come later on my journey down that path.
I blame my a good way, but they have taught me that someone can make me furious and still allow me to maintain my tender side. I'm starting to think they are teaching me more than I'll ever be able to teach them. When my son was born, I was instantly in love, more love than I thought I was even capable of. Up until that point it had really been about me, then wham...he was born and it was all for him. I'd read him books, have thoughts about what a brilliant man he'd grow up to be. I put myself $10,000 in debt just buying stupid shit he didn't really need. Well, then came the divorce when he was 3, we did well though, at least I thought so. I remarried when he was 5 and he had a baby sister. She was born with Down syndrome...we had no idea until she showed us her sweet little face. I loved her just as much as I did her brother, and learned even more.
I learned even more what a dink I can be. At first I cried, I thought she's never going to get married...never going to be a mom, be a doctor, blah blah wah wah wah. Then I realized that she might, and furthermore I realized that my son might not. It will be their journey, I'm here to nurture them, not dictate their hearts and desires. Illusions shattered, but it is liberating in so many ways.
Back to my point, serenity has been borne from chaos, from realizing that I don't know anything and that it's totally okay.


P.S. I found Heather's blog, E.O. after reading a letter she had written to Vicki which Kelle Hampton had shared. I like the concept of writing and just posting, no matter how much it sounds like gobbeldy guk. :)